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Episode 1-Covid Truth Overcoming 
Censorship and Media Misinformation

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Right on the heels of Mary Rodwell's forthcoming book entitled, The New Human - Awakening to Our Cosmic Heritage, Mary shares insights from her research into the new human including: intergenerational connections with non-human intelligence, human genetic modification, knowledge of "covert agendas," the misunderstanding of autism, and much more.

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Her & Her Beautiful Mom 
 

Taking  this journey the drug free approach in 1992 to help their child and very blessed they did. She's not a doctor but is an empath and a mother who's lived with this syndrome Asperger's all my life. She likes to call her syndrome Aura. She's also Dyslexic* You can also suffer with modalities be Highly Sensitive to your Environment. Can be misdiagnosed being a female. Why? You learn to mask as she put in one of  her videos 2012. They were on YouTube but 4 were taken down. Thank goodness they were saved on Vimeo. 

When she created these videos there was nothing like hers out there. It was mostly to do with males and the only other information she could find on females was Temple Grandin, a wonderful brilliant woman. She was nothing like her, except she thought in pictures and being creative thinking everyone could visualize like her. Her videos were shown at the women's Asperger's support group in 2012.  Vimeo Angel Butterflywings  

She no longer has the website drugfree Maudes. She went through a horrible experience in a lot of pain *physically *mentally *emotionally.  She was born with Pectus excavatum her sternum compressing on her lung and heart capacity, when the condition is severe, causing fatigue, shortness of breath, chest pain, and a fast heartbeat. She remembers having difficulty trying to get her breath when running and pains in her chest. She had her first operation in 1972 very painful had her sternum broken and turned around and a metal bar put inside her for six months. She had another problem which was more concerning to her being a young girl. Did have that corrected and several more operations through the years some were good and some were not.

 

What she went through she didn't know who to trust and shutdown. It was one of the most difficult places to be and wanted to sue had to let clients go while she was going though this devastating experience.  Having to take pain medication that didn't help. It was too, too stressful trying to sue here in Canada it would have been overwhelming for her sensitive soul. She had to move forward like she always does experiencing these feeling making her stronger. Learning to let go of her ego which was very hard at the time. She knew she  had to for her well being making her a better person.  As usual she bounced back that's why she call her syndrome AURA  Always Unique Resilient Authentic. She never blames you hope you learn from your experiences and has always found the help she needed. With prayer,  faith,  meditation and never giving up hope even though she felt like it sometimes. Life goes on AMEN!!!  

There are many who have no idea they are on the autism spectrum and could have Asperger's, can be overwhelming, exhausting and full of anxiety trying to fit in. Living with this syndrome it's extremely necessary to take care of yourself  In *Mind *Body *Spirit & Soul. Needing positive energy to lift you up to a higher vibration. Have to have a purpose in life cannot be ideal will make you depressed and perhaps angry sometimes. Also to find natural and pure products that have been clinically tested and studied. Like AminoSerene especially formulated for High Sensitive People like herself. The right organic CB2 hemp seed oils with Omega 3 and 6 and the Wellness for pain. Very important to keep your brain active in something you enjoy. This is why you need the right combination she has been able to find and now sharing with like minded souls. 

 

Negativity and stress will make you ill being so sensitive to your environment. For herself she cannot take antidepressant medication she doesn't do well on them and for many can put weight on. It's not getting to the rough course especially when trying to keep her body toxin free, which very hard these days. This is their story, her life path, we are all individuals trying our very best for ourselves and family. Everyone has to do what works for them,  she needed to find products that are pure, tested and studied and can detox, they found this with Health Evolution and Cannanda a Canadian company in Toronto. She has been corresponding with Dr. Lee for a while, both Angela Wright who formulated the Health Evolution supplements and Dr. Lee who formulated the CB2 oils they are wonderful souls. She's happy she found these health solution as she did many years ago.  She hopes you will be able to do the same for yourself* family and loved ones. They also use and take some of  Shaklee's products. 

It was an extremely good video Linda Good McGillis and Alexander Quinn discuss the Total Solar Eclipse Super Moon and the effects going forward. Kim has been through a lot of stress and some turned into anger and realizing it's not good for her sensitive soul. It did make her sick and anyone who has been through trauma themselves knows what those triggers are. It's true she had to let it go otherwise you can get trapped in those feelings. It's ok to have emotions you are releasing them from your nervous system. She's learning all the time and has an open heart 💖too much sometimes. Picking up other people's aggravation, sorrow and discontent and knowing that's not her feelings. It's hard for empaths, light workers 💫 with what's happening in our galaxy and beyond the stars🌟You have to have the understanding not to be critical but take care of ourselves. It's difficult a lot of the times when you are bombarded with all these changes taking place. The good news we can change our thought having souls out there sharing their knowledge and feelings. Lifting our vibes and spirit to a higher frequency knowing we will get through this no matter what with Love 💞 Compassion Meditationand Prayer🙏

 She has no memory how she got home, does remember running up the stairs screaming. her mother had to hit her across the face because she was hysterical. her mom had never hit her before that was the only way to snap her out of her uncontrolled emotions she was going through.  She's been writing for many years it helps her to cope, putting her feelings down and sometimes comes flowing out of her.  Not able to read, no cell phones, this was back in early 1970s. Getting a lot of attention from men when blossoming not always the best scenario, wanting to look like those sex symbols and where did that come from? This was the swinging 60s in London and like what's happening today in a way. Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll and lot of free love, orgies anything goes. Women's lib had started and the birth control pill. Seeing topless women in the newspaper magazines and on the telly. Also at rock festivals free love was everywhere for their generation.  It was very confusing for a girl like her.  She was adventurist and seemed to be fearless but innocent at the same time, thinking of traveling to the Virgin Islands she had been invited to work at a spa. Her first love very complicated relationship meeting him at a London club. You have to know all the story why she wanted to go and all her experiences she went through. Her life wasn't boring that's for sure for this different unique young autistic girl.......

 

After the traumatic experience, devastated and didn't want to leave London and to go to an unknown country.  She had lost her confidence and who does she trust and would he love her for who she was? She never told anyone about this man she thought it was her fault going to this monster's place telling her this lie. It wasn't his place, they hide in dark corners these predators. They know who to go after the vulnerable, they are weak minded, have no empathy. They cannot stand up to strong women that have their own mind. They think they can get away with pedophilia and sexual abuse, ruining children's lives. She knows how it has affected her and suffers with anxiety and PTSD. This why she has to keep herself busy and likes helping others it fills her heart with such love and happiness.

 

They are going to be found these predators, they think they are untouchable and when you shine the light on them they scatter like vermin. They are coming for you they will not let this continue because more and more of the human race especially mothers and fathers are fighting back and will not tolerate this behaviour. Get out of our schools away from the children and stop trying to change their innocent minds and their gender. 

THE STORM BERFORE THE CALM

RAIDEN’S STORY 

MOONBEAMS SUNBEAMS ALLOWING

Where do I begin this story of Cassandra; the power and energy within her and never giving up hope of cause when their baby boy was born and changed their life forever?  Cassandra’s and her husband’s love and devotion in helping their beautiful gift from God their special needs child who they named Raiden born Wednesday, June 29th, 1988, forty years and 6 minutes apart from his father who was born June 29th 1948..  It had been a difficult birth, Cassandra didn't know she was pregnant till she was around three months, how did that happen? Well her husband Maurice didn't want children and it didn't seem to bother her at the time; she was focusing on her career, a hairstylist and owner of two successful hairdressing businesses. Her and her husband Maurice had been doing the rhythm method after her doctor had taken her of the birth control pill when she turned thirty five and she had never got pregnant.  Cassandra loved working in the hair studio that’s where she could be creative being in an atmosphere of familiarity, it gave her confidence in a setting where she could feel comfortable being herself. She recalls going to a hair show and not liking crowds and always feeling awkward in those situations; like the time she was styling a model’s hair for a magazine cover and felt anxious from her surroundings. The other hairstylists being kissy kissy “Hallo darling” and all that nonsense and her nervous energy picking up, their BS not being authentic, it was all for show. They were putting on a front, these people didn’t care about each other this is what others do to be accepted, wanting to be in with the in crowd, it was a false scenario she was picking up and knowing they were not being genuine and it made her feel extremely antsy, she just wanted to be in the background concentrating in what she was doing. She also didn’t like having people’s attention put on her like when the staff meeting came up every month, it made her feel very uncomfortable. This came from her childhood not knowing how to speak up and having a learning disability and being bullied because of her differences. Having a father who couldn’t show his love caused her much insecurity and very low self esteem, a process of her not feeling worthy and walking with her head down, knowing she didn’t fit in.

 

Cassandra was born in London England

Cassandra was from London England born into a working class family and immigrated to Canada where she meets her husband Maurice. She started taking the birth control pill in 1966 because of suffering terrible period pains the cramps were so severe. When first starting her hairdressing apprenticeship in 1965 had passed out being doubled over in pain and fell to the floor, looking as white as a sheet and was taken to the nurse’s quarter where she would spend many an hour with a hot water bottle on her tummy every month.  Till her mother mentioned she had heard about a pill for period pains from a  young lady at work and was sold over the counter at the pharmacy.  Cassandra being such a shy young lady with social anxiety, it took her awhile to go into the pharmacy but knowing she needed some type of relief  plucked up the courage and bought the pills. Hal alua they worked she felt so much better and no more going to the nurses quarter every month. The day she took the pills (She will call them Fem-x) it helped her PMS she would now smile at everyone it seemed to bring her out of her shell but only took them when her period was coming. Then one day going to the pharmacy they were no longer available they had been taken off the shelves. Now what was she going to do? Her mother knowing of Cassandra’s terrible period pains suggested she should go to the doctor and this is when she was put on the birth control pill. It helped but didn’t give her the same feeling like the Fem-x. 

 

Check to see when his wife ovulated 🕊🌈🐬🇨🇦

Maurice would always check to see when his wife ovulated but he must have been so horny that night the alcohol consumption and his manhood took over. They had been to a progression-party that evening and everyone ended up at their place in the Jacuzzi drinking and having a great time.  For some reason Cassandra didn’t feel like drinking or getting in the Jacuzzi, and only had one drink and didn’t even finish that one. Never thinking about checking to see if she wasovulating, it wasn't important to her, she knew deep down she would have loved to have had children and saying to her husband that night “wow what was that, that was weird it was like an explosion inside of her. She had never had a feeling like that before and never since, it definitely wasn't an orgasm. Little did Cassandra know that unbelievable feeling would change their life forever?

 

 

Running her hairdressing business

Homeless young man

 

 

Cassandra found it hard having the two businesses and decided to sell the west end store so she could focus and put all her energy into the new hair studio downtown. It was hard sometimes because being a perfectionist she wanted to make sure that everything was running well, this particular day one of her employee’s sisters came up to her….. “It's not normal you being happy all the time” Cassandra looked at her and smiled….“I love what I do and if I don't feel well I would never show it because I’m too busy doing what I enjoy, being with my clients making them look and feel good”. The best thing that lifts a woman's spirits is talking to other women in a positive atmosphere; it releases oxytocin, the feel good hormone. Tuesdays were not a particular busy day and a young man had come into the hair studio and sitting on the couch at the reception area; seeing he wasn’t being attended to. Cassandra went over, “can I help you” with a smile, he looked down and out, a lost soul. The hair studio was in middle of the hassle and bushel of the downtown area, there were homeless people that would come into the mall to keep warm on the cold wintery days. As long as the homeless didn’t bother the clients or come wandering into the studio they where left alone. This young man couldn’t be more than sixteen years old, he could have been older it was hard to say?. He looked homeless, Cassandra being sensitive would pick up energy from others and could see he must have had a bad experience in his life to end up in this situation. She saw through the clothes he wore and his unkempt hair. He wanted a hair cut and said he had the money;  She was busy with a client and went to the back to get another hairstylist, when the stylist went to the front  turned around and came up to Cassandra. “I am not touching him”. She was surprised with her reaction, excused herself from her client and went to the young man. "I am so sorry there isn’t anyone right now who can take you but if you don’t mind waiting till I have finished my client I will be happy to cut and style your hair" and that's what she did.  Cassandra washed and conditioned his hair and gave him a scalp massage and treated him with respect and kindness the same as any other client. She found out his name was Julian; he was going for an interview; it was a privilege to have him sit in her chair where she chatted and made him feel comfortable.  She wished him all the best because she knew he was trying to better himself and hoped he would get the job. The reason she did his hair and was kind she knew what it felt like to be a an outcast. You never know it could be you one day down and out that’s why you should never be judgemental. 

 

 

After the Second World War

Cassandra being brought up in England in the 50s just after the Second World War to a working class family, there wasn’t very much money and having the three class system; (Working class, middle class and the rich) her mother Lillian wanted Cassandra to know that no one was better than her and she was no better than anyone else. Her mother taught her daughter empathy towards others and this is why Cassandra had feelings for people who were different the under dog because of her sensitivities and felt their pain. This made her a kind thoughtfulness person with deep feelings but she didn't always do it right because her anxiety got in the way. This was a curse as you will see, she never knew if her feeling were true or false. The only time she truly followed her intuition which was very strong when helping her son.  When it came to herself after her mother passed on she felt like an orphan lost and alone, she couldn’t pick up the phone and call her mum anymore, when she needed to talk and hear her mothers voice and knowing she cared even if she went on and on and sometimes her mother would say stop it Cassandra. Her mother made her feel loved and excepted but the did have their up and downs like most mother’s and daughter’s 🦋🤗🦋 she missed her laughter and smile. The day before her mum passed on in 2007 she was in a home by now had phoned Cassandra and kept saying over and over again; I love you sweetheart I love you and tell Raiden and Maurice I love them too. Her mother knew but Cassandra had no idea that would be the last time she would hear her mother's voice say "I love you” sweetheart. Cassandra so delighted to hear her mother so happy that day on the phone  "mum you sound great just like your old self, it’s wonderful hearing your feeling better" Cassandra thought her mom had more time but her cancer had come back. She had been with her mother for her check up a month prior and the doctor told Cassandra. Her mom was doing well but when she thinks back the doctor gave her and her mother the biggest hugs like he wasn't going to see them anymore and perhaps he knew but didn't tell her. As time went by Cassandra now became the mother and Lillian was the child. It was hard to see her mum in pain and the pain and drugs made her negative she became adulated and paranoid. Lillian had always been so independents and now in a home in her late eighties it must have been very difficult for her. Cassandra was annoyed the day she phoned the home to find out the medication her mother now was on because she started to see a difference in her demeanour she was spacey and so out of it. The nurse said the doctor was there and did she want to talk to him. Cassandra said yes, the doctor came on the phone -----hallo doctor I would like to know what medication my mother is on now because I am seeing a difference in her. His reply was ------"she is on an antidepressant" her reply--- why? "that's what I felt she needed---- do you know how it's making her feel and act I would like her taken her off it please, she needs the pain killers and her cancer medication but not his antidepressant she has become like a zombie on that drug you are giving her----The doctor wasn't pleased that this woman was telling him what to do, his reply----- “I am the doctor” before he could finish his sentence she interrupted him---- “I am the daughter who cares about my mother and I don't want her on this drug”. Cassandra could see the same symptoms that her son went through when he was on a drug that made her son become completely zombie like. She continued  “I don't want to be rude but my son wouldn’t  be where he is today if I hadn't spoken up and gone with my intuition and took him off that medication, so I know what I am talking about. Cassandra had gotten a call from the home a couple of weeks earlier that she had an appointment with her mothers doctor, the funny thing she gets a call from the home a week after this conversation with this doctor to tell her that he wouldn't be there at the meeting. I don't know what it is with some of these doctors is it they have s God like complex.

                                      Cassandra's mother the gay guys loved her and her passing on 

Lillian would stay with Cassandra or with her brother's family at weekends. It warmed Cassandra heart knowing of her mother’s love for others and when she had her hair studio downtown her staff respected and loved Lillian especially the gay guys. She was their dear Abby to some of them, they would phone her with their problems and she enjoyed discussing and helped them overcome situations they were going through so they would feel better about themselves. She accepted people for who they were and taught her daughter and son to do the same. She bought her daughter black dolls when growing up in the 50s so she wouldn’t be prejudiced. Her mother was born before her time an extraordinary woman who had her faults like everyone no one is perfect and had to barre her crosses. Cassandra missed their long chats and her mother telling her stories from long past memories. She knew her mother was still close and her spirit will always be with them but it just wasn’t the same as having her there like the old times, when talking for hours.  Her mom understood her daughter completely it was frustrating for Lillian sometime to see her daughter’s anxiety and would get angry because of the way she acted. Cassandra wrote poetry to her mother to show her love for her and now was feeling a little guilty when thinking she could have spent more time with her but got anxious and upset with her when she got negative and would do things that caused problems between her and her brother.🦋💕🐬🤗


                                                         Their  mother had gone

 The day she got a call from her brother at the hospital she knew things were not good her brothers had been in a very bad car accident in 1983 and later suffered with a lot of pain and couldn't work so getting this phone call late in the evening knew there was something wrong. Yes he was calling her to let her know that their mother wasn't doing well and they didn't won't their mother suffering and being the the power of attorney had to come to the decision to let her go. It was devastating for him to come to this decision he had a wonderful  bond his mother but like Cassandra he saw changes and a difference in their mother she wasn't the same mum anymore. It was hard because Lillian would play one child agents the other and it did cause stress between her and her brother.  Their mother had a blocked ---- and her body was being poisoned and shutting down.  Cassandra had been at the hospital all day with her mother after she had phoned the home the day after she had that wonderful conversation with her.  For some reason her mother wasn't answering the phone it rang and rang but no answer. She phone the home to be told her mother was in her room. She called her mother again and this time she answered she sounded terrible "I'm in pain I'm in pain" she could hardly hear her mothers voice she sounded so weak. She asked to speak to the nurse  ~can you please give my mother some pain pills~ she said ~no the doctor would have to give permission; Cassandra went straight away to the home. Walking into the room she couldn't believe her eyes her mother looking like a corpse OH My God! mum what is happening and asked the nurse why didn't you call the me and why isn't my mother in the hospital. The nurse covering her ass by saying she didn't want me to, which didn't make sense ~Call an ambulance right now~ Cassandra was really upset. When the paramedic arrived took her mothers  blood pressure it was so low they rushed her to the hospital. Cassandra anxiety was making her feel scared the way she handle stress she'd shuts down because she didn't know how to act and didn't do well in those situations. To the outside world it could look like she didn't care or came across cool and calm but inside her head it was turmoil, she didn't  like hospital or any instructions. The only way she could get through this like she had learnt all her life you have to act the part and goes home to tell Maurice she needed to go to the hospital right that minute only having one car Maurice drops her off.  She takes a book so it can keep her mind occupied and even if she isn't reading it looks like she is doing something. Anxious sitting next to her mother and hearing her mother moaning in pain and keeps asking the nurse when will the doctor be here and my mother needs medication for her pain but was told all she could do was give her an ice cube to moisten her mouth. She did eventually go five hours later for an ex ray but still no doctor came to talk to her. Cassandra had been there eight hours by now and hadn't eaten and said to the nurse again when will the doctor be here because I will have to leave and will be back tomorrow. knowing her sister in law and niece would be there soon made it easier for her to leave. She had no idea her mother wouldn't be there for her to visit the next day. When the phone call came from her brother she had actually been writing a poem to her mum, subconsciously she knew but didn't want to believe it because how was she going to survive without her mum, but you do survive. 

                                         Chapter 2    Her mother passing on

 

When Cassandra got to the hospital her mother was in a room with another person but was moved to another room soon after  so they could say their good byes.  She couldn't talk she just stared at them, her brother, sisters in law and niece were there sitting around the bed. Cassandra had that wonderful conversation with her mother the day before but her brother hadn't he was broken hearted and crying out MUM, MUM I LOVE YOU It was like a bad dream there was their mother looking at them terrified and couldn't talk; Cassandra said mum if you can hear us squeeze  our hands Cassandra was holding one hand and her brother the other hand and she squeezed. There was a lot of crying but Cassandra was holding back her emotions but had tears in her eyes this couldn't be true her mother was leaving them. At around 2.am she passed on. Her brother said would you like to be a lone with mum he had to speak to the nurse. Cassandra held her mother in her arms it was the most strangest feeling it was like holding an object like when a child holding her porcelain dolls. There was no warm no energy, had she had really gone? Whispering  mum I love you please stay with me and still be there for us and come to me in my dreams. She felt at peace that her mother wasn't suffering anymore it was like then and there the umbilical cord had been cut but this time it was the end of life not the beginning. You are reborn as a child your mother holds you in her arms that connection mother and her child. It was an outer body experience Cassandra was now holding her mother in her arms and she was gone but not in spirit they would always have a connection and her mum would always be there; Cassandra had the proof.  Cassandra’s mother had sent her a message in her dream that message made her a bigger believer in the energy around us and knew her mother was still with her, this will be in her story later. 

 

 

1984 she didn't have to take on their energy

She couldn’t work under those circumstances

Being so sensitive to her environment it was very difficult for Cassandra to work in a negative atmosphere and I'm sure some of you can relate to what she was going through.  It only takes one person in the work force who likes to stir up trouble and cause turmoil and this is what was happening at the time. Their behaviour can be destructive and can cause many anxieties and health problems. Cassandra realized after all these years if a person is negative and plays games with your insecurities it had nothing to do with her it’s their problem.  She didn't have to take on their energy and feel she needed to fix it and this took her a long time to realize and to be able to change her behaviours. The negativity came from a staff employee who was causing her a lot of stress; she didn't like what this staff member was doing, telling stories, and realizing later lying and causing upheaval.  For Cassandra to be productive and feel good she couldn’t work under those circumstances. She was the type of boss who was very honest and wanted to make sure her staff were happy and kept the work place running smoothly especially on Saturdays, the most hectic day of the week. If for some reason the Saturday assistant didn’t show up she would be washing the hair of the other hairstylist’s clients even though she was the busiest just to make sure no one got behind and to keep everyone happy. The one thing that would cause Cassandra stress was chaos and when she wasn’t in control of a situation and this is what was happening in the work place. She was upset with this employee’s behaviour, and didn’t know where she stood and these caused problems with the other staff members. Cassandra didn’t like conflict and if she had something to say would take that person aside. It was difficult talking with this person who had a volatile personality and would raise their voice; it reminded her of her father’s behaviour.  To keep the peace she kept quiet but this was causing her anxiety and feeling very alone. 

 

 

She didn’t like to leave anything unresolved

It wasn’t like her to be acting this way. She was usually assertive in running her business and would sort problems out quickly because she didn’t like to leave anything unresolved. This day caused Cassandra even more anxiety that morning she had cut and styled her client’s hair, a long time customer, with whom she had a good relationship, like all her clients they were very special to her. The receptionist had come to tell Cassandra; she just got a phone call from her morning customer who wasn’t happy with his haircut. He was concerned and felt Cassandra wasn’t herself, and this had never happened before, he was always happy with his haircuts she had done. Cassandra hearing this from the receptionist he wasn’t pleased, it was like her whole world was crumbling down before her, fear of not being accepted or being good enough came back full force. She was devastated but what was worse she didn’t remember cutting and styling his hair, he was supposed to come back that evening for her to fix the bad job she had done. 

 

 

This wasn't like her to be acting this way

Feeling really strange, anxious and scared; fear building up and a black cloud came over her, overwhelmed and felt like a child again her broken spirit not being in control of her environment. Sitting at the reception desk in a fog of confusion she picks up a pen and started to draw a pattern in black ink and kept going over and over the lines to make them more pronounced, it was consuming her.  This wasn't like her to be acting this way, and knew she needed help, she was always happy at work being creative doing what she loved.  She reached for the phone and called her doctor’s office and made an appointment.  Knowing in her heart things were not right and wanted to be home where she felt safe in my husband’s arms. At the end of the day feeling so anxious and highly sensitive to this very weird and crazy scenario she was experiencing. What the heck was going on why was she acting this way?  Wanting to express herself but knew it was better to leave; Cassandra wasn’t the type of boss to shout or get angry and respected her staff, and would take that person aside if she had anything she needed to say. For Cassandra to let her stress out would express her pent up emotions by taking to her husband and then mother and sometimes her brother by repeat herself over and over again to release her anxiety.  It could be something small (a mole hill that she made into a mountain) because of her insecurities she felt as a child and if she could talked about her emotions she was able to release those feeling and then she could let it go, it would dissipate fade away and she felt save again. It had been a long day and Cassandra adrenalin was building up she felt like a frightened animal, the fight or flight reaction and wanting to run, run, run as far away as possible. Scared to death and couldn’t handle these emotions anymore it look liked her client wasn’t going to show up. Grabbing her coat to leave and walking towards the front of the studio where the staff member she was having problems with was talking with another staff member.  Feeling the rage exploding inside of her and couldn’t even look at them, pushing the heavy glass door and sliding it back with a slam of great force.  Driving home that evening and cried like she had never cried before the emotions were unbelievable and she was sobbing her heart out.  Maurice was waiting for her on the doorstep looking very worried she collapsed in his arms “like a balloon that's been deflated” He had received a phone call from the hair studio to let him know that she had left work very upset and agitated and when shutting the heavy glass door nearly broke the glass, she slammed it so hard. She was so thankful she was now home safe and sound.  

 

Going to see her doctor

The very next day driving to her doctor’s office she broke down crying again, what the heck was wrong?  By the time she saw Dr. Root she was a mental and emotional wreck, walking into his office; he looked up at her and said please sit down.  She burst into tears and started rambling she couldn’t stop this verbal diarrhoea as her husband would call it when anxious and stressed.  She told him how she was feeling and hadn't had her period, “why was this happening to me doctor? As she wiped away her tears, he could see Cassandra wasn't herself and was a bundle of nerves.  Dr. Root explained she was having a nervous breakdown and continued telling her, its like elastic you can only extend the elastic so far then it will break and she had come to her breaking point. “But why haven’t I had my period? The doctor’s answer looking straight at her; Stress will do that! Cassandra’s GP was a very caring man he felt that she needed tranquilizers and wrote out a prescription to get her through this difficult time and also she needed to take some time off work. Cassandra was more than willing to take the medication she knew she couldn’t carry on this way and thought if the meds would help she should take them. She was more worried about not working, always wanted to make sure everything was running smoothly and to keep everyone happy and treated her staff as family. She worked hard, and the type of boss who lead by example always the professional, with a smile to greet the clients and to be pleasant to everyone and now she wasn’t able to be there to run her business. She had to agree with her doctor: her health and well-being were more important she needed to get herself better and didn’t want to go back to the stress and the person who was making her anxiety worse. She couldn’t fire this person, they were renting a room and under a written contract and had another year on the lease, and that extra money did help pay some of the rent. 

 

 

She felt like a zombie

Cassandra went once a week to see Dr. Root, he was more than a GP he did hypnosis, he truly wanted to help her, it did relax Cassandra but as soon as she got home taking the tranquilizer she felt like a zombie so out of it and disconnected from the outside world.  The longer she was on the medication the more she became depressed. Where had her happiness gone? She wanted to hide and for everything to go away and would sit staring out of the window for hours thinking of nothings which wasn’t like her; Cassandra had an over active brain that never shut down. She remembers a gentleman who had done some work for them at their home and had come over to see her husband; she was always the one to get up and greet people being a very friendly person with a bubbly personality.  She didn't even acknowledge him, just sat there like a lump of coal and felt nothing, an empty shell that had no feelings.   Having these ups and downs that she couldn't control, yelling one minute and crying the next walking back and forth talking to herself. Feeling so alone with terrible thoughts in her head and wanted to die. What on earth was happening to her? 

She didn’t really want to die

She doesn’t even remember if she talked to her mother she just remembers this had been going on for quiet awhile and she wasn’t feeling any better in fact she was getting worse with suicidal thoughts and prayed for help. She didn’t really want to die she just wanted to stop the psychological pain she was going through and not wanting to live like this anymore. Cassandra had suffered with depression and not feeling good about herself because of things that had happened in her childhood caused her a lot of these emotions. That day she lined up her tranquilizers took one then another and another, but something stopped her from taking the rest.  That little voice inside your head that’s telling you …….DON ‘T DO IT; this was stronger than the urge to take her life. Not wanting to die but why, why, why was she having these feelings she couldn’t control? Still not eating properly or sleeping well and the meds were not making it any better.  The day she wanted to take her life and hearing that little voice and knowing she shouldn’t do it, she fell to the floor crying out for help PLEASE, PLEASE DEAR LORD GOD HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME I NEEDED YOUR STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. Hopeless and defeated she knew she needed to write a letter a cry for help. By the time Maurice came home Cassandra was in the corner of the bedroom curled up in a foetal position, rocking back and forth with the letter by her side. She still hadn’t had her period, and was falling apart sobbing and yelling to Maurice PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL I NEED HELP, I NEED HELP; Maurice held Cassandra in his arms but she didn’t want to be touched, she was disconnected, isolated and distraught and pushed him away shouting PLEASE GET ME HELP FOR CHRIST SAKE, PLEASE, PLEASE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL., she wanted her husband to take her to the hospital right away she thought she was going insane.

 

 

She still hadn't had her period

Maurice was very worried he had never seen his wife like this and felt helpless. Maurice’s reaction was “You need to get a blood test done to see if you might be pregnant” Why wouldn’t Cassandra have thought of this? She still hadn't had her period. Maurice made an appointment to get a pregnancy test done for the following day; she wasn’t herself being on those tranquilizers. The day seemed so long as she laid in bed waiting patiently for the phone to ring to find out what was she going to be told. Thoughts running through her head thinking what if I am pregnant?  Could these tranquilizers and not taking care of myself, could this have been damaging to my baby? “What if, what if, what if, her mind racing a mile a minute.  The phone call came just as Maurice had arrived home from work and was sitting on the bed holding Cassandra’s hand. Anticipating, was it the doctor's office and what were they going to tell her? It was her doctor; she will never forget his words Dr. Root said “congratulations Cassandra you are pregnant”.  Tears rolled down her cheeks and yelled I AM, OH MY GOD I AM and took a big sigh of relief; and thought I'm not going crazy.  Her face lit up like the Fourth of July fireworks, which her husband hadn’t seen in a long time. It made him happy to see his wife come back from that dark place of sadness and despair.  Looking into each other eyes in amazement with smiles on their faces from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat that just got the cream, swung their arms around each other so tight and didn’t want to let go. It was like a weight had been taken off Cassandra’s shoulders. Then she felt scared for a brief moment OH MY GOD! The medication... MY BABY!!!!. Was their baby going to be ok? But the happiness took over again because she never in a million years thought she would be having a baby.  I’M HAVING A BABY, I’M HAVING A BABY little old me, I am going to be a mother, it made her feel so joyful, her whole body felt the energy of excitement and was overwhelmed with gratitude and shouted again I’M HAVING A BABY SWEETHEART!!!  She got out of bed and danced around the room then called her mother.

 

She didn’t blame her doctor

Cassandra was very close to her mum, they had their ups and downs like most mothers and daughters but her mother understood her daughter, she had helped Cassandra as a child and knew how sensitive and different she was.  When Cassandra asked her doctor about the medication he said it wasn't harmful she didn’t know if that was true because during the first trimester the baby’s brain is developing.  She didn’t blame her doctor for not giving her a pregnancy test because when she first went to see him realized later the reason he thought she wasn't pregnant.  Maurice had gone to see Dr. Root the year before to discuss about getting a vasectomy and he had arranged for him to go and see a specialist to get the procedure done, but Maurice didn't follow through. Cassandra had talked Maurice out of it; I think it scared him more thinking about what was entailed, so it was easy for her to get him to change his mind. Dr. Root didn't know this and must have had in his records that Maurice had gone for a vasectomy and blaming doesn't help.  The state Cassandra was in at the time she didn't think to tell him. 

Dr. Root and his wife had been clients

She had a very good relationship with her doctor and when going for her first pap smear felt very uncomfortable because Dr. Root and his wife had been clients when she had opened the hair studio in the west end.  Coming to the studio and knowing them socially made her feel awkward because his wife worked with him and there was Cassandra spread eagled on the table and his wife trying to make her feel better by saying “Just think of the queen of England, she has to get this done” and Cassandra trying to be oblivious to what was happening takes a big deep breath and thinking thank God it will be over soon.  The doctor and his wife were both very nice with a great sense of humour.  What she liked about Dr. Root even though he was a medical doctor, as the years went by he also started to believe in the alternative approach and I’m sure this must have got him into trouble with the medical field. Cassandra now had to focus on the positive, the past is the past and more important were her health and their baby’s health and well-being. She had to go back to work six weeks after having Raiden that was her responsibility to make sure the studio was running well and the bills had to be paid. Being off work she had lost her confidence and was getting anxious to face her staff and I’m sure she must have been getting some side-effects from the medication and (Oh those hormones). The staff member who had caused her problems decided to leave and paid the rest of her rent for the year and this made Cassandra feel better not having her there.

 

Why didn’t she know?

It doesn't make sense today, why wouldn't Cassandra have known that she was pregnant? I suppose being hormonal; she wasn’t thinking clearly and the stress at work didn't help. Being in her late thirties she had conditioned herself that she would be a career woman and not a mother so that's what she focused on. Cassandra had suffered with PMS and if your hormones are out of balance can cause women so many emotions and for Cassandra; yes those dreaded cramps and mood swings, her husband would have to hide the knives (just kidding). She would crave chocolate during her PMS because if you are low in serotonin dark chocolate releases that feel good neurotransmitter. You would have to eat a lot and chocolate craving is an indication of magnesium deficiency. Some researchers believe that women crave chocolate prior to menstruation because it contains high levels of magnesium. Stress and Cassandra not knowing she was pregnant had made her situation 10 times worse.

                                         Chapter 2    Her mother passing on

 

When Cassandra got to the hospital her mother was in a room with another person but was moved to another room soon after  so they could say their good byes.  She couldn't talk she just stared at them, her brother, sisters in law and niece were there sitting around the bed. Cassandra had that wonderful conversation with her mother the day before but her brother hadn't he was broken hearted and crying out MUM, MUM I LOVE YOU It was like a bad dream there was their mother looking at them terrified and couldn't talk; Cassandra said mum if you can hear us squeeze  our hands Cassandra was holding one hand and her brother the other hand and she squeezed. There was a lot of crying but Cassandra was holding back her emotions but had tears in her eyes this couldn't be true her mother was leaving them. At around 2.am she passed on. Her brother said would you like to be a lone with mum he had to speak to the nurse. Cassandra held her mother in her arms it was the most strangest feeling it was like holding an object like when a child holding her porcelain dolls. There was no warm no energy, had she had really gone? Whispering  mum I love you please stay with me and still be there for us and come to me in my dreams. She felt at peace that her mother wasn't suffering anymore it was like then and there the umbilical cord had been cut but this time it was the end of life not the beginning. You are reborn as a child your mother holds you in her arms that connection mother and her child. It was an outer body experience Cassandra was now holding her mother in her arms and she was gone but not in spirit they would always have a connection and her mum would always be there; Cassandra had the proof.  Cassandra’s mother had sent her a message in her dream that message made her a bigger believer in the energy around us and knew her mother was still with her, this will be in her story later. 

 

 

1984 she didn't have to take on their energy

She couldn’t work under those circumstances

Being so sensitive to her environment it was very difficult for Cassandra to work in a negative atmosphere and I'm sure some of you can relate to what she was going through.  It only takes one person in the work force who likes to stir up trouble and cause turmoil and this is what was happening at the time. Their behaviour can be destructive and can cause many anxieties and health problems. Cassandra realized after all these years if a person is negative and plays games with your insecurities it had nothing to do with her it’s their problem.  She didn't have to take on their energy and feel she needed to fix it and this took her a long time to realize and to be able to change her behaviours. The negativity came from a staff employee who was causing her a lot of stress; she didn't like what this staff member was doing, telling stories, and realizing later lying and causing upheaval.  For Cassandra to be productive and feel good she couldn’t work under those circumstances. She was the type of boss who was very honest and wanted to make sure her staff were happy and kept the work place running smoothly especially on Saturdays, the most hectic day of the week. If for some reason the Saturday assistant didn’t show up she would be washing the hair of the other hairstylist’s clients even though she was the busiest just to make sure no one got behind and to keep everyone happy. The one thing that would cause Cassandra stress was chaos and when she wasn’t in control of a situation and this is what was happening in the work place. She was upset with this employee’s behaviour, and didn’t know where she stood and these caused problems with the other staff members. Cassandra didn’t like conflict and if she had something to say would take that person aside. It was difficult talking with this person who had a volatile personality and would raise their voice; it reminded her of her father’s behaviour.  To keep the peace she kept quiet but this was causing her anxiety and feeling very alone. 

 

 

She didn’t like to leave anything unresolved

It wasn’t like her to be acting this way. She was usually assertive in running her business and would sort problems out quickly because she didn’t like to leave anything unresolved. This day caused Cassandra even more anxiety that morning she had cut and styled her client’s hair, a long time customer, with whom she had a good relationship, like all her clients they were very special to her. The receptionist had come to tell Cassandra; she just got a phone call from her morning customer who wasn’t happy with his haircut. He was concerned and felt Cassandra wasn’t herself, and this had never happened before, he was always happy with his haircuts she had done. Cassandra hearing this from the receptionist he wasn’t pleased, it was like her whole world was crumbling down before her, fear of not being accepted or being good enough came back full force. She was devastated but what was worse she didn’t remember cutting and styling his hair, he was supposed to come back that evening for her to fix the bad job she had done. 

 

 

This wasn't like her to be acting this way

Feeling really strange, anxious and scared; fear building up and a black cloud came over her, overwhelmed and felt like a child again her broken spirit not being in control of her environment. Sitting at the reception desk in a fog of confusion she picks up a pen and started to draw a pattern in black ink and kept going over and over the lines to make them more pronounced, it was consuming her.  This wasn't like her to be acting this way, and knew she needed help, she was always happy at work being creative doing what she loved.  She reached for the phone and called her doctor’s office and made an appointment.  Knowing in her heart things were not right and wanted to be home where she felt safe in my husband’s arms. At the end of the day feeling so anxious and highly sensitive to this very weird and crazy scenario she was experiencing. What the heck was going on why was she acting this way?  Wanting to express herself but knew it was better to leave; Cassandra wasn’t the type of boss to shout or get angry and respected her staff, and would take that person aside if she had anything she needed to say. For Cassandra to let her stress out would express her pent up emotions by taking to her husband and then mother and sometimes her brother by repeat herself over and over again to release her anxiety.  It could be something small (a mole hill that she made into a mountain) because of her insecurities she felt as a child and if she could talked about her emotions she was able to release those feeling and then she could let it go, it would dissipate fade away and she felt save again. It had been a long day and Cassandra adrenalin was building up she felt like a frightened animal, the fight or flight reaction and wanting to run, run, run as far away as possible. Scared to death and couldn’t handle these emotions anymore it look liked her client wasn’t going to show up. Grabbing her coat to leave and walking towards the front of the studio where the staff member she was having problems with was talking with another staff member.  Feeling the rage exploding inside of her and couldn’t even look at them, pushing the heavy glass door and sliding it back with a slam of great force.  Driving home that evening and cried like she had never cried before the emotions were unbelievable and she was sobbing her heart out.  Maurice was waiting for her on the doorstep looking very worried she collapsed in his arms “like a balloon that's been deflated” He had received a phone call from the hair studio to let him know that she had left work very upset and agitated and when shutting the heavy glass door nearly broke the glass, she slammed it so hard. She was so thankful she was now home safe and sound.  

 

Going to see her doctor

The very next day driving to her doctor’s office she broke down crying again, what the heck was wrong?  By the time she saw Dr. Root she was a mental and emotional wreck, walking into his office; he looked up at her and said please sit down.  She burst into tears and started rambling she couldn’t stop this verbal diarrhoea as her husband would call it when anxious and stressed.  She told him how she was feeling and hadn't had her period, “why was this happening to me doctor? As she wiped away her tears, he could see Cassandra wasn't herself and was a bundle of nerves.  Dr. Root explained she was having a nervous breakdown and continued telling her, its like elastic you can only extend the elastic so far then it will break and she had come to her breaking point. “But why haven’t I had my period? The doctor’s answer looking straight at her; Stress will do that! Cassandra’s GP was a very caring man he felt that she needed tranquilizers and wrote out a prescription to get her through this difficult time and also she needed to take some time off work. Cassandra was more than willing to take the medication she knew she couldn’t carry on this way and thought if the meds would help she should take them. She was more worried about not working, always wanted to make sure everything was running smoothly and to keep everyone happy and treated her staff as family. She worked hard, and the type of boss who lead by example always the professional, with a smile to greet the clients and to be pleasant to everyone and now she wasn’t able to be there to run her business. She had to agree with her doctor: her health and well-being were more important she needed to get herself better and didn’t want to go back to the stress and the person who was making her anxiety worse. She couldn’t fire this person, they were renting a room and under a written contract and had another year on the lease, and that extra money did help pay some of the rent. 

 

 

She felt like a zombie

Cassandra went once a week to see Dr. Root, he was more than a GP he did hypnosis, he truly wanted to help her, it did relax Cassandra but as soon as she got home taking the tranquilizer she felt like a zombie so out of it and disconnected from the outside world.  The longer she was on the medication the more she became depressed. Where had her happiness gone? She wanted to hide and for everything to go away and would sit staring out of the window for hours thinking of nothings which wasn’t like her; Cassandra had an over active brain that never shut down. She remembers a gentleman who had done some work for them at their home and had come over to see her husband; she was always the one to get up and greet people being a very friendly person with a bubbly personality.  She didn't even acknowledge him, just sat there like a lump of coal and felt nothing, an empty shell that had no feelings.   Having these ups and downs that she couldn't control, yelling one minute and crying the next walking back and forth talking to herself. Feeling so alone with terrible thoughts in her head and wanted to die. What on earth was happening to her? 

She didn’t really want to die

She doesn’t even remember if she talked to her mother she just remembers this had been going on for quiet awhile and she wasn’t feeling any better in fact she was getting worse with suicidal thoughts and prayed for help. She didn’t really want to die she just wanted to stop the psychological pain she was going through and not wanting to live like this anymore. Cassandra had suffered with depression and not feeling good about herself because of things that had happened in her childhood caused her a lot of these emotions. That day she lined up her tranquilizers took one then another and another, but something stopped her from taking the rest.  That little voice inside your head that’s telling you …….DON ‘T DO IT; this was stronger than the urge to take her life. Not wanting to die but why, why, why was she having these feelings she couldn’t control? Still not eating properly or sleeping well and the meds were not making it any better.  The day she wanted to take her life and hearing that little voice and knowing she shouldn’t do it, she fell to the floor crying out for help PLEASE, PLEASE DEAR LORD GOD HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME I NEEDED YOUR STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. Hopeless and defeated she knew she needed to write a letter a cry for help. By the time Maurice came home Cassandra was in the corner of the bedroom curled up in a foetal position, rocking back and forth with the letter by her side. She still hadn’t had her period, and was falling apart sobbing and yelling to Maurice PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL I NEED HELP, I NEED HELP; Maurice held Cassandra in his arms but she didn’t want to be touched, she was disconnected, isolated and distraught and pushed him away shouting PLEASE GET ME HELP FOR CHRIST SAKE, PLEASE, PLEASE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL., she wanted her husband to take her to the hospital right away she thought she was going insane.

 

 

She still hadn't had her period

Maurice was very worried he had never seen his wife like this and felt helpless. Maurice’s reaction was “You need to get a blood test done to see if you might be pregnant” Why wouldn’t Cassandra have thought of this? She still hadn't had her period. Maurice made an appointment to get a pregnancy test done for the following day; she wasn’t herself being on those tranquilizers. The day seemed so long as she laid in bed waiting patiently for the phone to ring to find out what was she going to be told. Thoughts running through her head thinking what if I am pregnant?  Could these tranquilizers and not taking care of myself, could this have been damaging to my baby? “What if, what if, what if, her mind racing a mile a minute.  The phone call came just as Maurice had arrived home from work and was sitting on the bed holding Cassandra’s hand. Anticipating, was it the doctor's office and what were they going to tell her? It was her doctor; she will never forget his words Dr. Root said “congratulations Cassandra you are pregnant”.  Tears rolled down her cheeks and yelled I AM, OH MY GOD I AM and took a big sigh of relief; and thought I'm not going crazy.  Her face lit up like the Fourth of July fireworks, which her husband hadn’t seen in a long time. It made him happy to see his wife come back from that dark place of sadness and despair.  Looking into each other eyes in amazement with smiles on their faces from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat that just got the cream, swung their arms around each other so tight and didn’t want to let go. It was like a weight had been taken off Cassandra’s shoulders. Then she felt scared for a brief moment OH MY GOD! The medication... MY BABY!!!!. Was their baby going to be ok? But the happiness took over again because she never in a million years thought she would be having a baby.  I’M HAVING A BABY, I’M HAVING A BABY little old me, I am going to be a mother, it made her feel so joyful, her whole body felt the energy of excitement and was overwhelmed with gratitude and shouted again I’M HAVING A BABY SWEETHEART!!!  She got out of bed and danced around the room then called her mother.

 

She didn’t blame her doctor

Cassandra was very close to her mum, they had their ups and downs like most mothers and daughters but her mother understood her daughter, she had helped Cassandra as a child and knew how sensitive and different she was.  When Cassandra asked her doctor about the medication he said it wasn't harmful she didn’t know if that was true because during the first trimester the baby’s brain is developing.  She didn’t blame her doctor for not giving her a pregnancy test because when she first went to see him realized later the reason he thought she wasn't pregnant.  Maurice had gone to see Dr. Root the year before to discuss about getting a vasectomy and he had arranged for him to go and see a specialist to get the procedure done, but Maurice didn't follow through. Cassandra had talked Maurice out of it; I think it scared him more thinking about what was entailed, so it was easy for her to get him to change his mind. Dr. Root didn't know this and must have had in his records that Maurice had gone for a vasectomy and blaming doesn't help.  The state Cassandra was in at the time she didn't think to tell him. 

Dr. Root and his wife had been clients

She had a very good relationship with her doctor and when going for her first pap smear felt very uncomfortable because Dr. Root and his wife had been clients when she had opened the hair studio in the west end.  Coming to the studio and knowing them socially made her feel awkward because his wife worked with him and there was Cassandra spread eagled on the table and his wife trying to make her feel better by saying “Just think of the queen of England, she has to get this done” and Cassandra trying to be oblivious to what was happening takes a big deep breath and thinking thank God it will be over soon.  The doctor and his wife were both very nice with a great sense of humour.  What she liked about Dr. Root even though he was a medical doctor, as the years went by he also started to believe in the alternative approach and I’m sure this must have got him into trouble with the medical field. Cassandra now had to focus on the positive, the past is the past and more important were her health and their baby’s health and well-being. She had to go back to work six weeks after having Raiden that was her responsibility to make sure the studio was running well and the bills had to be paid. Being off work she had lost her confidence and was getting anxious to face her staff and I’m sure she must have been getting some side-effects from the medication and (Oh those hormones). The staff member who had caused her problems decided to leave and paid the rest of her rent for the year and this made Cassandra feel better not having her there.

 

Why didn’t she know?

It doesn't make sense today, why wouldn't Cassandra have known that she was pregnant? I suppose being hormonal; she wasn’t thinking clearly and the stress at work didn't help. Being in her late thirties she had conditioned herself that she would be a career woman and not a mother so that's what she focused on. Cassandra had suffered with PMS and if your hormones are out of balance can cause women so many emotions and for Cassandra; yes those dreaded cramps and mood swings, her husband would have to hide the knives (just kidding). She would crave chocolate during her PMS because if you are low in serotonin dark chocolate releases that feel good neurotransmitter. You would have to eat a lot and chocolate craving is an indication of magnesium deficiency. Some researchers believe that women crave chocolate prior to menstruation because it contains high levels of magnesium. Stress and Cassandra not knowing she was pregnant had made her situation 10 times worse.

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